What happens when you flip a switch??? A myriad of things can and sometimes miraculously work properly...or "go skittering wildly out of control as the sanity bolts work themselves loose" as my brother-in-law so eloquently phrased it. My wife is perplexed at whether my "Switch" is broken or operative...or was ever installed in the first place. You know, that switch that should open to prevent certain phrases from emanating from your mouth. Personally, I think it is a sticky or slow switch, because the thing works AFTER you said what you shouldn't have said, like, "Are those pants shrinking in the wash? They look a little snug on you." WHAM!!!! The switch opens just in time to prevent any and all replies to what comes next. I have dome some research on the subject, and here is what I have found.
In all males, the switch operates as it was originally designed to work. Some operators of the switch have just mastered alternative ways to use it, or developed a sixth sense to engage preemptive thought processes which take up that delay between what you are going to say and the opening of the switch. The switch sometimes is confused with thought processes and will begin to open at the beginning of a thought rather than with the beginning of a sentence. I can track the faulty switch back through my ancestry which will clear up why my switch operates as it does.
Everyone's ancestry can be tracked back to Adam and Eve, and even Adam had a faulty switch. Eve asked Adam, "Want a bite of this apple?" Adam thought to himself, I really shouldn't, but "Sure!!!" Crunch, crunch, WHAM!!! We all know what happened next.
Fast forward to the Revolutionary War and a more recent event in my family history. One of my ancestors, General Swift (what's in a name anyway???) and his charges captured a British picket squad. Before securing the prisoners, one of the detainees asked, "Where is General Swift?" to which the General replied, "I'm General Swift." WHAM!!! Ka-Boom!!! And that is how General Swift became a war hero.
It's not just men that are guilty of being in possession of a faulty switch; it's just that we get caught with it in our possession. Our teenager asked her mom, "What do you do all day when we're at school?" to which I added, "Yes, honey, what do you do all day???" WHAM!!!
Coming next time: Reflection on Inflection and The Look.
1 comment:
Very apropos...but still doesn't explain why "as a man" you can't fix the damn thing! You think with the mechanical brain of an average functioning adult male they would be able to fine-tune, tweak, master or just make the piece of shit work...but ooohhh...nooooo...that would take time from Nascar. Errr...isn't that car related, which is mechanical...? I rest my case!
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